Angry and trying to find my faith.

I am so upset. I feel like I can't get a break in life no matter how much I know I need one. Over the weekend... I have had some weird abdominal pain, cramps. On Sunday the cramps were bad enough to make me nauseous and vomit. I thought it was something I ate. I went to work on Monday and experienced more or less the same weird abdominal cramping and nausea. So I left work early and tried to make it home on my own. One stop on the bus and I was rushing off sick to my stomach again. My brother came to pick me up and off to the hospital I went yet again!

While at the hospital the pain subsided with shots of morphine and some other heavy duty drug I can't recall the name of. Than off to the ultrasound department to find out where the pain was coming from. I get there and it's a male nurse, who even though he was the sweetest, was still a man checking out my nether regions. I am really shy when it comes to strangers nurse or not checking out my neither regions. So he gave me the ultrasound they sent me back to the ER and more blood was drawn, did I mention how much I love *(absolutely not)* needles! The cyst I knew I had, had grown from 3cm to 7 cm. Not good because anything over 5cm is strongly suggested to be removed.

I only have one ovary because the other was removed due to a similar situation with the cyst. So my dreams of having children were split to a 50% chance and now... they might be taken away from me all together. I have to have another test done and try some birth control pills to see if we can shrink the cyst so I need all the prayers I can get.

I also need to keep myself in good spirits because being stressed and negative is not what I need right now because I don't need anything that could burst the cyst. No strenuous exercise or lifting and definitely no stress. As for the pain, I have to monitor it and I've been reading on my ways to control it... like hot water bottles and chamomile teas but I'm still looking for anything that can help including diet modification and or homeopathic medicine.

I am angry. Frustrated really because I never seem to get ahead. It always feels like one thing after the other. If I'm not having a panic attack it's an asthma attack and now it's this. Plus all of life's other headaches like bills, money issues or lack there of and did I mention my non existent love life?

I've been trying to stay positive and focus on all that I am grateful for and I am very grateful. I know this could be worse... It could be the big "C". I am more than grateful that it's not. I just need to find faith and keep positive. I know this will be ok. I know I will be ok more than ok. I have to keep positive. I must.

Put humanity back on the Earth!

**Empowerment**

A lesson learned from Michael Jackson

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8025171


I really didn't want to join the bandwagon of thousands and talk about Michael Jackson. Today like so many I watched his Memorial Service and was reminded of the pop star I was so enthralled by as a child, a teenager and a young adult. I remember dancing and singing to his the album Thriller. In our living room we had a huge mirror and I would sing and dance in front of it always. Music was always a major part of my life and the lives of my parents. We danced when we cleaned, we sang in the car and with every note a memory was embedded into our hearts.

I appreciated the sentiment that was spoken over and over with each and every song and speech spoken. I am not here to judge anyone. I would like to remember him for the good he did and the songs he sang and for his sentiment of caring for the children of the world.

I think we all need love, love in our hearts, love in our minds and love always on our tongues. I think that is an amazing lesson. I think the speeches you can listen to with the link I posted speak the most absolute of truths. In my hearts desire I want to be the best person I can be. I want to give love, share love and speak love always. A humanitarian of love. A child of God. A light shining brightly sending out pure love, positivity and joy.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I have always loved this song for as long as I can remember. I always find myself humming the song whenever I am feeling a little blue. This is a beautiful rendition of the song and I do hope you enjoy it as much as I do. You'll notice I have also changed the wording under "Girl on the Run"... "Girl on the Run" is based on a poem I've written and it's how I have always seen myself. Plus I think of it as a way to imagine myself always learning, always pressing forward not only as running as in away from my fears.

Finding the positivity in caos...

The sun finally broke through. The rumor is it won't be staying for long but I am happy for what I can get. This weekend was pretty rough for me. I didn't leave the house and for most of it I didn't leave my bedroom.

I have a financial crisis. I am not good with money management at all. I wish I could say it's from living this lavish lifestyle but it's not. Thanks to the economy and poor choices and health expenses my savings is kaput, and I'm back living paycheck to paycheck. This is not how I want to live out my 30's. I want to move with in the next year and I'll need to save a quite a bit in order to do so. How did I get here and what do I do?

My faith tells me to put it in God's hands because anything is possible with him. I am making what I am making so that's pretty much solid. I need to generate more income and I need to budget the income that I am taking in. All of our pension plans and 401k plans have been frozen till the economy starts to bounce back, we hope. Yet I need to put a budget into effect and really buckle down my spending. Of course I need to pray too!

With no one but myself to rely on this is where it gets scary. Yet as I write this I'm reminded I am not alone. God is with me always. I need to have faith. I can do it. I can implement a savings regime and I can generate extra income and I can get debt free and I can put together more than enough money to move. I am capable of it. I know I am.

After my finances I am also weighed down with worrying about the health of my brother and myself. I have lost some weight and I am working on losing more. I need to utilize the gym membership I'm paying for. I need to be an example for my brother. Already our eating choices have gotten better I need to just keep on my program while I am at home. It seems when I am at work or I am out for the day all my choices are perfect but than when I am home for some reason I find myself picking and eating between meals. I know it's from boredom and that boredom leads to being lazy this the poor choices. I need to work on it.

I've quit the smoking and I am really proud of myself for it. I did slip up but than I got right back on track again and proved to myself , that I can do anything I put my mind to. It helps having my brother being supportive. He really gets upset making it so much easier. I am really proud of myself for quitting. I urge all of you to find it in yourselves to get healthy.

This weeks sermon reminded me to be a light to others. Again Pastor Joel Osteen spoke directly to my heart. I know from having panic attacks that being able to take the focus off myself and onto something else really stops the attack in its tracks and what better way to stop focusing on yourself than to think of others. Sure we need to care for ourselves. If I am not healthy I can't be there for someone else. The only problem I have is how do I protect myself from the one's that suck the life force out of you. Specifically my family. Is it ok, to really just be polite with them and build stronger bonds with my friends? Of course I am not including my brother with my other family members he's my best friend.

How do I keep them at arms length and build stronger bonds with the people who matter most? While at the same time learn to open my heart to new people and build new friendships and lasting relationships.

This is my year and as Pastor Joel Osteen says this is my Year of Supernatural belssings!

What a day! What a day!

What a day! I'm grateful for it all... even almost slipping and falling in the mud. It started bright and early for me, racing for the bus at 6am holding my skirt while I ran so it wouldn't fall down, there I am approaching the bus waiting for me, and I slide in like I've hit a home run, or I am scoring a goal. Thankfully I didn't hit the ground!

On my way to work I listened to my "Free to Worship" cd on my ipod. Free to Worship is a collection a christian songs that give thanks and offer shelter when you need it and just make you smile. All the while trying to focus on what I learned from Pastor Joel Osteen the day before.

I got a pass at work today. I was able to spend the day in a different department where I basically get to giggle the day away. Not a bad way to get paid I tell you! I was happy. I was blessed.

My health isn't where it should be right now. I have a disorder that causes you to be run down and just feeling blech. There's more to it but that's the gist. I'm trying some medicines to help and I'm saying my prayers. I know this will be my year of jubilee. I know that my health is being restored and my dreams are coming into fruition. I know God wants the best for me and that he will take me places I've never been.

Thank you Pastor Joel Osteen for keeping me mindful today I've what you taught me yesterday and all the days before. It is so very very appreciated. Through your teachings, I am expecting God to show up and his favors to profusely abound. I love that, profusely abound my year of freedom, restoration, abundance, health, joy, peace, anointing of ease, total victory, breakthrough, jubilee, release, increase, celebration! I receive it by faith! Amen and Amen...

What a way to keep positive, to have it stirring your soul. It amazes me how I feel that positivity tingling my toes working up my legs through my body and warming my heart. I feel it ...I feel it ...I feel it! I only need to have it permeate my brain like cement! This is my time to press forward. I am going to think positive. I am positive. I am going to love abundantly. I am going to forgive immensely. I am going to be.

With love and blessings profusely,

M

What an amazing way to start the day!

Promising myself to stay on the positive side of the street, I try and start every Sunday with Pastor Joel Osteen. He is amazing and just speaks right to my soul. I wish I could bottle up all positivity and keep it in my pocket. Technically speaking I do because I download his podcast every week to my ipod but wouldn't it be great to have him as your friend.

Today Pastor Joel spoke about how not to be negative. He gives such great insight about judging others and finding the wrong in everything. He offered up two wonderful stories. The first being a couple who had participated in services at Lakewood. The couple were tattooed from head to toe and pierced as well and when they came to meet with him after the services he mentioned that at first look he had some negative thoughts. He stopped it before it started! Amazing because having judged someone by appearance I know how difficult that can be. He than opened himself up and said that the couple were really kind people and the man was a member in a metal band who told him he hadn't been to church ever till he heard Pastor Joel. That man than gave Pastor Joel a cd and told him to play track 7 because he wrote it after hearing Pastor Joel's message. Amazing!

Another story Pastor Joel told was about another couple. The wife while looking out her window saw her neighbor hanging her laundry to dry and quickly judged how the clothes looked so dirty. She kept telling her husband to look and asking him how they could wear clothes like that that were so dirty. The following week when the women awoke she noticed more laundry being hung up. This time the laundry was pristine immaculate even. The woman told her husband who than told his wife how he awoke bright and early and cleaned the windows! Reminding us with a great story how often when we judge others, we really are judging ourselves.

This last story made me think so much about a conversation with my Brother that I've been having lately. I feel as if Brother Bear is always being negative towards me and putting me down. He yells at me rather than talking to me and dictates to me rather than talking to me. What is my role here? Do I speak to him the way that I want to be spoken too? Am I following the Golden Rule?

I've been thinking about the way I talk to him and why he speaks to me the way he does. Do our conversations come from a loving place or are we taking each other for granted? Sad to say we're both taking each other for granted. Allowing myself to become lazy and quick to be negatice. Now I can't change my Brother Bear but I can change myself and hope that some of it rubs off. I know no one is perfect including myself. Far from it actually!

I am a masterpiece in progress always growing and more importantly always learning.

I will:

• think before I speak.


• speak words of love.


• respect others.


• practice not gossiping with anyone about anything.


• be positive and see that glass half full.


• write it out.


• clean my own windows.


• remember no matter what, we are all children of God.


• stop being a fault finder.


• magnify the good.


• spend my time improving myself not worrying about others.


• be supportive.


• stop allowing myself to be poisoned.


• be grateful.


• make lists of positive qualities about the people in my life and focus on them. erase the negative qualities.

Remember to wake up in positive thoughts and go to sleep with positive thoughts!

Doing something brave one step at a time... or am I

When I saw the entry in regards to doing something brave everyday, I thought that it would be something wonderful. Something I could definitely sink my teeth into because my life has been filled with fear. I never realized it would trigger off an avalanche of feelings. It may even be the trigger for the anxiety I've been feeling. I can't prove it but it's something for me to really think about.

This week has been interesting. I've dropped from 20mg of lexapro down to 10mg. *(lexapro: is not only an anti-depressant but a drug used for the treatment of various anxiety disorders.)* agreed to go on the anti depressant in January following a really bad case of the "mean reds" and a storm of panic attacks hitting me 3 and 4 times a day. For any of you who've ever had a panic attack I empathize with you and want you to know there is help out there.

In addition to the Lexapro, I found a series of meditation tapes from Charles Linden. The series of meditations and spoken word cd's have been a Godsend for me. Charles Linden offers you a way out and makes you accountable for what is going on with you. I appreciate that approach because I don't believe in using crutches.

I can tell you it hasn't been all easy. It's a lot of work. Just allowing myself to do something that's good for me feels like a trip to the executioner. Subconsciously of course! I do believe I deserve to be healthy and happy. I do know that it's what God wants for me and I want for myself. Yet, yesterday when that attack hit me, after an entire day of fending it off as best I can, it knocked me to my knees. Thinking about that now, it's better than being knocked to the floor which is what it had done to me in the past.

I didn't isolate myself and I did seek help other than my brother who's patience I've worn thin but yet who's always there for me no matter what.

I would like to tell you I am anxiety free today but I am not.

Inside I keep reminding myself that:

• I am healthy.
• I am safe.
• I am loved.
• I am loving.
• I deserve to be happy.
• This too shall pass.
• I am letting go of the anxiety and breathing in peace and tranquility while breathing out anxiety and negative thinking.

That last note is a dozie. So easy to write and say but so difficult to truly process and put into effect. I am working on it.

• I am letting go of the anxiety and breathing in peace and tranquility while breathing out anxiety and negative thinking.
• I am letting go of the anxiety and breathing in peace and tranquility while breathing out anxiety and negative thinking.
• I am letting go of the anxiety and breathing in peace and tranquility while breathing out anxiety and negative thinking.

I have to keep repeating it to myself. I have to remind myself to reach for the phone, watch something that will make me laugh or completely engross myself in an activity that will allow my mind to drift away from the "not good thoughts".

I went to to see the movie ****Hangover ****this afternoon and was Pee Your Pants funny and recommend it to everyone. Having travelled to Las Vegas and fallen in love with Sin City this movie is a must see. Plus laughter is great for the soul! I can't wait for the DVD!

Doing something brave one step at a time...

In a dreamy fantasy land confrontation would never exsist. I really don't do well with confrontation. I usually hang back and just disappear from the situation or person. Today I am setting the record straight.

I summed up the courage to tell a boy why I couldn't date him. Sounds like nothing... but to me... it's something I normally would never do. Normally I shut the phone and avoid avoid avoid... This time I stated clearly with out any white lies and with out being hurtful why I couldn't date this person. It took many many drafts, every time I went to write something, little white lies just kept popping up from no where. I swear it wasn't anything intentional the white lies just kept forcing themselves out of me.

I scratched all of it out, started over and told the whole truth and nothing but the truth and I am proud of myself for doing so.

This started the ball rolling and now I have a bunch of truths in the works. If you see me walking around with a black eye or two... *(oh lord I hope not)* just know I was being brave! Plus it was all worth it!

"Do one thing every day that scares you."

"Do one thing every day that scares you."~Eleanor Roosevelt

I found this wonderful blog Diary of a Self Portrait , not that you're all not wonderful because you are and much loved and appreciated too! However...

I thought this would be a fun exercise to try out. Doing something everyday that scares me. It fits right in with living my life bravely and with out fear and full of happiness! So, I wish myself luck the widget can be found on the original blog and I will keep you all informed of my achievements!

Life is short.... We all most live life to the fullest. Let us never forget!

Baking Banana Bread with chocolate chips O my!

I'm feeling good. I've been baking for two days. Nothing major some chocolate chip cookies and some banana wheat bread with chocolate chips of course. What's so special is I know I'm feeling better because I'm baking. I haven't baked in over two years. Depression just leaves you feeling empty and not wanting to do much of anything either. The last time I baked this banana bread was when my Dad was visiting one weekend and he ate it all up! He was sneaking bits and pieces here and there till the entire cake was gone. It makes me happy just thinking about it. Knowing I made something for him *(the professional baker)* that he enjoyed so much!

This morning I made this for me and my brother... and this time I made it with whole wheat.. we can all use more fiber and I have to say it was just delish! Like I said I'm feeling better not only in my mind, my heart but also my body. Slowly but surely all the pieces of me are coming back together.

Thank you for allowing me to share this. The next time you make banana bread I hope it "bakes" some wonderful memories for you too!

Looking for my angels.

The work week is finally over and all I can say is, thank God! We worked a full 5 days this week and you would have thought I was digging ditches with how tired I am. Since the economy is where it's at, we've taken a 20% reduction in our salary. The 20% equally one day off a week. However as business picks up here and there it's more like 10% because we're working 5 days every other week. These full weeks are exhausting though. You get used to have that day off and when it's gone, I'm like a kindergartner taking naps and falling asleep on the couch! *lol*

The weather isn't helping either, it's been a week of grey and gloomy and rain rain rain! When you wake up in the morning you don't know if it's night or day it's so dark. It's where you want to stay in bed and wrap the blanket around you and just snuggle and cuddle the day away. Not that I'm doing any cuddling or snuggling these days but I'm sure there is something coming soon.

You know, being in the moment is hard work. Trying not to be brought down by stress, depression and others around me all hard work. I've made a decision to stay positive and really work on being happy. I say work because I have to remind myself how easy it is to get pulled back into the abyss of sadness and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm grateful for:

• my job, because even though we've just been hit with new guidelines and numbers we have to achieve and they want us to work more and still pay us less at least I know I have a job when so many others have lost theirs.


• my home, where I can take all those needed naps and fall asleep in my bed with fresh sheets and my pillows!


• my friends, with all that's been going on, with my family and being so stressed it's so nice to be able to pick up a phone and just let it all out.


• my friend Cee because she sends a text message to me every single day, reminding me I'm loved and how I'm a great person who deserves good things in my life. they are amazing messages of love and even though at times.. i think they are corny... they are so appreciated and much needed.


• being able to express myself, whether it's here in the blog, or my paper journal or through what I call art!


• Joel Osteen for his empowering messages of faith and strength.

My post is titled "Looking for my angels", because in a reminder to myself, I am not alone. When things are troubling me when that silly voice wants me thinking I'm alone... I'm not. There are people all around me. Good people. People who care about me. People who I care about. I am surrounded by angels.

Do you believe in angels? If you do, I would love to hear about it!

Wounded....

Why is it, that the right choices can be some of the most difficult?

The other night I received another frantic call from my cousin. She called complaining about her life again. That's really all she seems to do and I guess I am her sounding board. I am a good listener. I actually listen and I care when people in my life are hurt, maybe too much. She called crying telling me she wants to give her babies up. That she can't take it anymore that her older daughter is *( a slew of four letter words / to sum it up)* the worse. Hold on...

I know it's hard being a single Mom. I may not have an actual child of my own but I've raised my brother and I've taken care of her daughter to the best of my ability. You don't give your children away and you don't call your child names that aren't even meant for an animal. This I do know.

Long story short, she asked me to talk to her eldest daughter because at 20 she's looking for LOVE in all the wrong places. She's trying to find the love she misses from her absentee waist of life father and her in another world mother. She does this by going from boy to boy to boy. Sure I remember what it was like to be 20 and I too had a fresh mouth when it came to my Mother but I would never have the audacity to not only sneak a boy into my house but make him stay for the last 3 days either. Yes I do know it's her Mother's concern not mine. Her Mother like I said, has lost it basically and is so wrapped up in her own self pity she can't see past her own nose!

So she gets on the phone and we talk. I tell her what I see and she tells me what I don't. I remind her I too was 20 and not that long ago, where upon she reminds me that I'm not married nor do I have children of my own so how do I know what I'm talking about?

My heart broken and the tears falling from my eyes like a hurricane I tell her I'm done. I tell her I never want to talk to her again. That's she is disrespectful and has no idea about me and my life and decisions I have made.

Keeping on the Path:

• I am lovable.
• I am loved.
• I am desirable.
• I am wanted.
• I am happy.
• I am healthy.
• I am smart.
• I am kind.
• I am a Mother waiting to happen.
• I am a Wife waiting to wed.
• I am capable of anything.
• I am..
• I am strong.
  

Yes I am single and Yes I do not have any children... However.. that doesn't make me any less of a person. The words wounded me. I've been hurting about them for the last few days. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. I've made choices in my life and lots of sacrifices that have gotten me where I am. Yet even now I feel like I am making excuses to myself. I feel like I'm not worth loving and that is why I'm single.





I also no that's not true, yet that little voice inside of me is screaming the opposite. Why is it so hard to hear the negative and so much work to believe the positive?





Wounded! Yet finding my inner strength and learning to take care of me. When people are in our lives and there soul function is bringing us down or doing strictly for them it's time to let them go. It's time to tell that little angry, mean voice inside of me to go away!

Stomping out the saboteurs!

It's hard to face the facts sometimes. You never want to believe let alone imagine that the people in your life don't want what's best for you.

It's so important to stomp out the saboteurs as if they were sparks of fire before they become a full blown 4 alarm fire. I am struggling with this. I just keep thinking if I start getting rid of people who aren't what I need them to be, who will be left? It scares me. I am not looking to change anyone. I just want people to respect me and treat me the way I treat them. If I am happy be happy for me! If I am sad, offer some encouragement! I would do it for you. I don't expect anything from anyone that I am not willing to do myself.

I know how important it is for me to be healthy mind and body. Yet it's more of a struggle than I can imagine. The story of "Job" *(from the Bible)* seems to be resonating all around me. For every positive image I imagine or most importantly occurs in my life, it all seems like there are so many more negative ones trying to keep me down.

I need strength. I need not to be afraid. I need to trust in God and in myself that being brave is what is best for me. Brave in the sense that if I need to move than I move. If I need to block people from my life that it is ok to do so. That God wants me to be happy and enjoy a flourishing life not one filled with sorrow and anguish. I need strength. I need to know it's ok to be selfish.

Selfish seems like such a crude word in this sense. I am not selfish at all. I am just so tired of always trying to struggle to keep my head above the water and tired of having it always pushed back down.

I need strength and guidance. I need to resist the temptation of wanting love so bad that I am willing to put up with so much garbage. I don't deserve anything less than what I myself and willing to give. Considering I am willing to give so much so should those people who are around me.

REMINDERS:

• I am strong.
• I am striving towards a healthy mind and body and will achieve it.
• I deserve good people in my life.
• I deserve to live a life with a positive outlook and positive reinforcements around me.
• I deserve more.
• I am happy.
• I am safe.
• I am never alone even though I feel alone.
• There are people in my life who want the best for me and I am one of them.
• This too shall pass.
• I deserve an abundant life.
• I am grateful for the life I have and the lessons I learn every day.
• I am going to keep pressing forward and let no one, MYSELF included stop me.

I am grateful for:

• having food in my refrigerator when so many don't.
• having a manicure and pedicure today.
• having money to pay for the things I need.
• Welshcakes for all the positive messages! Thank You so very very much!
• my house still being clean! *( sad to say, I think a clean house is right up there with passionate love making)*lol

What are you eating or what's eating you?

I'm a bit peeved. Why you ask? *(lol ~ or not)* Well I have someone in my life that has a way of sucking any and all life energy out of me. I am sure we all do but what do you do when you can't tell them to take a hike?

Let me explain. My family has dwindled down to barely nothing over the years. The life sucker well I do love her and I do want her in my life but she makes it very hard. I am trying to live in the moment. I am trying to find all things positive in life and really work at being happy. I have had more than my fair share of tears. Enough already!

I need positivity in my life. Struggling through bouts of suicidal thoughts, severe depression *(i just want to stay in my bed with the covers pulled up sadness and never leave)*, panic attacks, the loss of both my parents and cutting I really am ready to finally be happy.

No this person wasn't there for me when I needed her in the sense to listen and offer a shoulder. She wasn't there when I cut myself and called the suicide hot line in the middle of the night hoping to just have someone not only listen but understand and she isn't the one who calls me and asks me if I'm ok on the anniversary days or anything to have to do with my parents.

She's there for me when she wants to go out and needs a partner in crime. She is there for me when her daughters need me. She is there for me when she needs me to do something for her. She is there for me when she feels it necessary to tell me that I am no longer fun because of all the meds I was on and that I stopped smoking and didn't care to drink and because the ordinary would set me off into a panic attack and when the meds and meditation and trips to the emergency room didn't stop them the cutting did.

Why is she in my life? I don't have many female friends less family members. I can count on one hand minus three fingers. Sometimes you need a girlfriend. A friend. Someone just to listen. Sure you want someone compassionate and understanding and positive but sometimes you have to take what you can get too. Don't you?

Anyway my personal favorite as of late, she feels that because *(she's a single mom, @ 42 impregnated by a stranger more or less after raising a 20 year old with the help of the village myself included)* her Mom has left to go back home, I am the go to girl for the twins. Don't get me wrong, I love the twins. I am not there Mother and I don't want to be. I don't want to spend all my time off and my hours after work taking care of them so she can get a break. She didn't ask me, she told me. She doesn't even appreciate it. Unless you're giving money to help it doesn't count and even than, you're only as good as your last gift. Did I mention she choose her childhood friend who lives overseas and is not in the girls lives to be the Godparent? Ok..

I feel good getting this out of me. I don't know what I am going to do because our entire relationship is based on me being passive aggressive because really, what do I say? Asking her if she is F~ing out of her mind just doesn't seem to be the right thing to do. Or is it? I just don't know what to say or do?

Things I am happy about today: :)

• my house being absolutely clean


• not having to cook *yeah take out*


• my friend surprising me with a visit this morning


• my headache finally going away


• the sun actually shining after a week of rain


• my other friend giving me my favorite perfume *Hermes le jardin de Mediterranean* because I said it's my favorite


• going out Friday night and actually having fun even though I felt a wee bit nervous because the people who invited me I don't know all that well and my friend coming with me so I wasn't alone


• making my co-workers happy on Friday with a box of munchkins...just because


• my brother cleaning the bathroom *(ick!)*


• and the possibility of a possibility!

*Meme Q & A*

**Copied and Pasted from Lucia ***

1. Started a blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an over train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (YES<> **me too**
35. Seen an Amish community **love it here**
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check **oops**
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square **just about evry day ~ work just a hop skip and a jump away!*
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job **and re hired by same job next day**
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone **my arm in 2 places rollerskating in a monastery**
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle and Vespa
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating **sweet Jesus no never and please don't let me have too**
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous **(So far, Antonio Banderas, Melanie Griffith, Posh Spice, David Beckham, Jon Bon Jovi, Ritchie Sambora, Matt Dillion, The late Heath Ledger, Roger Moore, Chaka Khan, Spike Lee... )** there are more but I can't think**
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Crossed the Equator
100. Seen the Southern Cross
101. Been Whitewater rafting
102. Held someones hand right while they died.
103. Seen a ghost
104. Had your heart broken
105. Seen the Rolling Stones
106. Seen Madonna in concert
107. Seen the Northern Lights
108. Secretly been in love with somebody (yes yes yes) ***Ditto***

*Hushing the negative!*

I home today... can you tell?

My beautiful day of sunshine turned into a mystical rainy day! It's been a day of discovery. I've been reading, writing, coloring, drawing and taken some snap shots to post here.

I've been reading a great many *blogs* today and inspirational books and I am so happy that what I want for my life crosses over to what my interests are. It's so important to surround yourself with what you like. Things that not only inspire but also allow you to reflect and get to know yourself just a little more. With each new page I turn and/or click I have noticed that the little demons inside me, try and tell me I'm not good enough, or I should be doing more, or remind me how I don't have kids or a relationship for that matter. Basically those little demons try and shout out all my short comings.

Well I am shouting back! I may not be perfect. I may not be a wife or a Mom but I am ME.

Who I am?

• I am love.


• I am open to possibility.


• I am enough.


• I am a teacher.


• I am a student.


• I am an artist.


• I am a writer.


• I am a sister.


• I am a daughter.


• I am a friend.


• I am beautiful inside and out.


• I am creative.


• I am mindful.


• I am able.


• I am capable of anything.


• I am a wife and mother to be.


• I am.


• I am inquisitive.


• I am inspiring.


• I am a child of God.


• I am a victor.


• I am equipped.


• I am a romantic.


• I am fragile yet strong.


• I am an optimistic.


• I am fun loving.


• I am kind.


• I am affectionate.


• I am...

Meme: Q & A

Another fun meme copied from http://onmyway2work.blogspot.com/blog. Go visit her to play!

1. Do you mind people to show up uninvited? I love when people show up and my house is clean... otherwise... im freaked and embarassed.

2. Last person you talked to on the phone? my friend maggie.

3. Last person on your missed call list? Target reminding me to pick up my perscriptions~

4. Who calls you the most? my brother or my cousin Rosie.

5. What is your favorite song about breaking up? Sheesh... White Flag.. Dido

6. If someone sent you an unexpected gift, what would you like it to be? Anything! I'm happy it's a gift.. a SUPRISE.. BUT ... I love paper products, notebooks, pens, crayons, stickers, perfume, chocolate, journals, a good book anything really!

7. Your classic rock station plays the top songs of all time. What is number one? Freebird Lynard Skynard *(is that how you spell it?)*

8. Do you live for today or tomorrow? I am trying to practice living in the moment but i'm often focused on dreams of my future and memories of my past.

9. What movie villain scared you as a kid? The damn birds from the Hitchcock thriller "The Birds", I loved scarry movies but really wasn't allowed to watch them because than I would be up all night, yet the Sleestacks from Land of the Lost firghtened me, Freddy Kruger, oh lord those hands...creepy.., Michael and Jason.. the music alone would send me off to hysterical giggles and covering my eyes... and aptly putting my fingers in my ears! lol

**This was fun... I would like to tag all who read it!**

INSPIRATION

Gratitude

*(that's Charlie on the left and Googalicious on the right)*

Good Morning Everyone,

It's a sunny, breezy beautiful day here in New York! My kind of weather, not to hot and far from cold! Just loving it!

Life is good, I woke to find my favorite multi grain bagel and butter on my night stand*(thank you best and only brother in the world, I love you, I love you, I love you!)*, the coffee thanks to that lovely timer gadget was brewing filling the house with that indescribable warmth and thanks to the recession I am enjoying my day off. *(No I haven't lost my job, I was one of the lucky, but I am enjoying my 20% decrease in salary- hence the day off)*

Did I mention life truly is beautiful?

Every day I try and count my blessings. My Grandmother would wake every morning thanking God for a new day and for her family. My Grandmother was sweetness at it's best! Little did I know the life lesson she was teaching me than. It's so important to be grateful.

Why?

When we are grateful we focus on things that are right in our lives. We value and appreciate everything from the minor *(coffee gadget timer)* to the major *(being alive)* that can be taken for granted. Keeping a gratitude journal may seem like work, something to be forgotten about after a few entries. However you can write a master list. Instead of writing daily things we are grateful for, we keep one book, one book to jot down all the things in life we are grateful for. This way, when we're feeling less than that, or when we simply need a reminder of what's wonderful in our life, we simply pick up our "best book", curl up and enjoy. We write in that book when the mood hits us!

Reminders are great for the forgetful. With my mind constantly on go, it's important for me to remember what I am grateful for and what there is to be grateful about. Little note cards attached to the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror or just about anyway our great too and a sure fire way to add a smile to our faces. *(I already have the laugh lines~ might as well make sure I have them for every single thing that makes me smile and laugh~ put them to good use)* Plus I keep a few in my purse, you never know when during the day something hits us like a baseball bat trying to knock us down.

So some random things I am grateful for:

• my gynecologist telling me to get out there and make babies, because I can. :)


• the beautiful sunshiny weather.


• my brother, my brother, my brother.. with out you, I would be so lost!


• my morning coffee because you wake me up.


• prayer. it's like my own personal shrink in my pocket, I can tell God everything knowing he is listening to me. and it's free! and God listens and answers!


• my kitties because they were gifts from an amazing friend and bring happiness to me and smiles every single day! they are precious! too cute! my little booba's!


• my ability.