It's been awhile...

With the Christmas season upon me, I sit and reflect.

Reflect about all the good and bad days and there has been a lot of both.

I am blessed.

I am a blessing. I am ready to be a blessing to others.

This year has been difficult, I've sat back and watched my love of life dwindle to just about nothing and I am albeit slowly very slowly starting to grow it back. Like a delicate orchid I am pruning the leaves, I am learning, I am asking for help, I am receiving it, I am making peace with myself.

I have hit rock bottom.

I surviving.

Last year at this time, I was locked in my room pleading with God to take my life because I just didn't want to be here anymore and thought that those around me would be better off. The panic attacks and anxiety stripping me naked and painfully scaring every inch of me. My laughter was gone, my joy was non existent and yet I still went to work, I got up every morning a shell of my former self and trudged forward, step by step. All the while thinking I can't do this anymore. All the while doing it just the same.

Now I sit here, after two years of what was the worse bought of depression, days filled with suicidal tendencies with my house cluttered with filth now finally clean, my tree is up the lights are lit, I am off anti depressant medication and I am far far away from that dark place I was living in.

I still have moments, there passing transgressions now.

I am building myself back one small step at a time.

Life is not easy.

It's one small step at a time. I am learning a work in progress.

I am ready . I am promising myself to go easy to be present and to make amends to all including myself.

This Holiday Season... may we all take time to reflect. Love one another and yourself. Thank You God for listening to me and holding my hand through it all.

Thank you for my brother, my rock.

Thank you for the inspiration of others.

Thank you for never leaving me.

Gratitude

*(that's Charlie on the left and Googalicious on the right)*

Good Morning Everyone,

It's a sunny, breezy beautiful day here in New York! My kind of weather, not to hot and far from cold! Just loving it!

Life is good, I woke to find my favorite multi grain bagel and butter on my night stand*(thank you best and only brother in the world, I love you, I love you, I love you!)*, the coffee thanks to that lovely timer gadget was brewing filling the house with that indescribable warmth and thanks to the recession I am enjoying my day off. *(No I haven't lost my job, I was one of the lucky, but I am enjoying my 20% decrease in salary- hence the day off)*

Did I mention life truly is beautiful?

Every day I try and count my blessings. My Grandmother would wake every morning thanking God for a new day and for her family. My Grandmother was sweetness at it's best! Little did I know the life lesson she was teaching me than. It's so important to be grateful.

Why?

When we are grateful we focus on things that are right in our lives. We value and appreciate everything from the minor *(coffee gadget timer)* to the major *(being alive)* that can be taken for granted. Keeping a gratitude journal may seem like work, something to be forgotten about after a few entries. However you can write a master list. Instead of writing daily things we are grateful for, we keep one book, one book to jot down all the things in life we are grateful for. This way, when we're feeling less than that, or when we simply need a reminder of what's wonderful in our life, we simply pick up our "best book", curl up and enjoy. We write in that book when the mood hits us!

Reminders are great for the forgetful. With my mind constantly on go, it's important for me to remember what I am grateful for and what there is to be grateful about. Little note cards attached to the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror or just about anyway our great too and a sure fire way to add a smile to our faces. *(I already have the laugh lines~ might as well make sure I have them for every single thing that makes me smile and laugh~ put them to good use)* Plus I keep a few in my purse, you never know when during the day something hits us like a baseball bat trying to knock us down.

So some random things I am grateful for:

• my gynecologist telling me to get out there and make babies, because I can. :)


• the beautiful sunshiny weather.


• my brother, my brother, my brother.. with out you, I would be so lost!


• my morning coffee because you wake me up.


• prayer. it's like my own personal shrink in my pocket, I can tell God everything knowing he is listening to me. and it's free! and God listens and answers!


• my kitties because they were gifts from an amazing friend and bring happiness to me and smiles every single day! they are precious! too cute! my little booba's!


• my ability.