Finding the positivity in caos...

The sun finally broke through. The rumor is it won't be staying for long but I am happy for what I can get. This weekend was pretty rough for me. I didn't leave the house and for most of it I didn't leave my bedroom.

I have a financial crisis. I am not good with money management at all. I wish I could say it's from living this lavish lifestyle but it's not. Thanks to the economy and poor choices and health expenses my savings is kaput, and I'm back living paycheck to paycheck. This is not how I want to live out my 30's. I want to move with in the next year and I'll need to save a quite a bit in order to do so. How did I get here and what do I do?

My faith tells me to put it in God's hands because anything is possible with him. I am making what I am making so that's pretty much solid. I need to generate more income and I need to budget the income that I am taking in. All of our pension plans and 401k plans have been frozen till the economy starts to bounce back, we hope. Yet I need to put a budget into effect and really buckle down my spending. Of course I need to pray too!

With no one but myself to rely on this is where it gets scary. Yet as I write this I'm reminded I am not alone. God is with me always. I need to have faith. I can do it. I can implement a savings regime and I can generate extra income and I can get debt free and I can put together more than enough money to move. I am capable of it. I know I am.

After my finances I am also weighed down with worrying about the health of my brother and myself. I have lost some weight and I am working on losing more. I need to utilize the gym membership I'm paying for. I need to be an example for my brother. Already our eating choices have gotten better I need to just keep on my program while I am at home. It seems when I am at work or I am out for the day all my choices are perfect but than when I am home for some reason I find myself picking and eating between meals. I know it's from boredom and that boredom leads to being lazy this the poor choices. I need to work on it.

I've quit the smoking and I am really proud of myself for it. I did slip up but than I got right back on track again and proved to myself , that I can do anything I put my mind to. It helps having my brother being supportive. He really gets upset making it so much easier. I am really proud of myself for quitting. I urge all of you to find it in yourselves to get healthy.

This weeks sermon reminded me to be a light to others. Again Pastor Joel Osteen spoke directly to my heart. I know from having panic attacks that being able to take the focus off myself and onto something else really stops the attack in its tracks and what better way to stop focusing on yourself than to think of others. Sure we need to care for ourselves. If I am not healthy I can't be there for someone else. The only problem I have is how do I protect myself from the one's that suck the life force out of you. Specifically my family. Is it ok, to really just be polite with them and build stronger bonds with my friends? Of course I am not including my brother with my other family members he's my best friend.

How do I keep them at arms length and build stronger bonds with the people who matter most? While at the same time learn to open my heart to new people and build new friendships and lasting relationships.

This is my year and as Pastor Joel Osteen says this is my Year of Supernatural belssings!

Wounded....

Why is it, that the right choices can be some of the most difficult?

The other night I received another frantic call from my cousin. She called complaining about her life again. That's really all she seems to do and I guess I am her sounding board. I am a good listener. I actually listen and I care when people in my life are hurt, maybe too much. She called crying telling me she wants to give her babies up. That she can't take it anymore that her older daughter is *( a slew of four letter words / to sum it up)* the worse. Hold on...

I know it's hard being a single Mom. I may not have an actual child of my own but I've raised my brother and I've taken care of her daughter to the best of my ability. You don't give your children away and you don't call your child names that aren't even meant for an animal. This I do know.

Long story short, she asked me to talk to her eldest daughter because at 20 she's looking for LOVE in all the wrong places. She's trying to find the love she misses from her absentee waist of life father and her in another world mother. She does this by going from boy to boy to boy. Sure I remember what it was like to be 20 and I too had a fresh mouth when it came to my Mother but I would never have the audacity to not only sneak a boy into my house but make him stay for the last 3 days either. Yes I do know it's her Mother's concern not mine. Her Mother like I said, has lost it basically and is so wrapped up in her own self pity she can't see past her own nose!

So she gets on the phone and we talk. I tell her what I see and she tells me what I don't. I remind her I too was 20 and not that long ago, where upon she reminds me that I'm not married nor do I have children of my own so how do I know what I'm talking about?

My heart broken and the tears falling from my eyes like a hurricane I tell her I'm done. I tell her I never want to talk to her again. That's she is disrespectful and has no idea about me and my life and decisions I have made.

Keeping on the Path:

• I am lovable.
• I am loved.
• I am desirable.
• I am wanted.
• I am happy.
• I am healthy.
• I am smart.
• I am kind.
• I am a Mother waiting to happen.
• I am a Wife waiting to wed.
• I am capable of anything.
• I am..
• I am strong.
  

Yes I am single and Yes I do not have any children... However.. that doesn't make me any less of a person. The words wounded me. I've been hurting about them for the last few days. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. I've made choices in my life and lots of sacrifices that have gotten me where I am. Yet even now I feel like I am making excuses to myself. I feel like I'm not worth loving and that is why I'm single.





I also no that's not true, yet that little voice inside of me is screaming the opposite. Why is it so hard to hear the negative and so much work to believe the positive?





Wounded! Yet finding my inner strength and learning to take care of me. When people are in our lives and there soul function is bringing us down or doing strictly for them it's time to let them go. It's time to tell that little angry, mean voice inside of me to go away!