Thursday, June 11, 2009


Why is it, that the right choices can be some of the most difficult?

The other night I received another frantic call from my cousin. She called complaining about her life again. That's really all she seems to do and I guess I am her sounding board. I am a good listener. I actually listen and I care when people in my life are hurt, maybe too much. She called crying telling me she wants to give her babies up. That she can't take it anymore that her older daughter is *( a slew of four letter words / to sum it up)* the worse. Hold on...

I know it's hard being a single Mom. I may not have an actual child of my own but I've raised my brother and I've taken care of her daughter to the best of my ability. You don't give your children away and you don't call your child names that aren't even meant for an animal. This I do know.

Long story short, she asked me to talk to her eldest daughter because at 20 she's looking for LOVE in all the wrong places. She's trying to find the love she misses from her absentee waist of life father and her in another world mother. She does this by going from boy to boy to boy. Sure I remember what it was like to be 20 and I too had a fresh mouth when it came to my Mother but I would never have the audacity to not only sneak a boy into my house but make him stay for the last 3 days either. Yes I do know it's her Mother's concern not mine. Her Mother like I said, has lost it basically and is so wrapped up in her own self pity she can't see past her own nose!

So she gets on the phone and we talk. I tell her what I see and she tells me what I don't. I remind her I too was 20 and not that long ago, where upon she reminds me that I'm not married nor do I have children of my own so how do I know what I'm talking about?

My heart broken and the tears falling from my eyes like a hurricane I tell her I'm done. I tell her I never want to talk to her again. That's she is disrespectful and has no idea about me and my life and decisions I have made.

Keeping on the Path:
  • I am lovable.
  • I am loved.
  • I am desirable.
  • I am wanted.
  • I am happy.
  • I am healthy.
  • I am smart.
  • I am kind.
  • I am a Mother waiting to happen.
  • I am a Wife waiting to wed.
  • I am capable of anything.
  • I am..
  • I am strong.

Yes I am single and Yes I do not have any children... However.. that doesn't make me any less of a person. The words wounded me. I've been hurting about them for the last few days. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. I've made choices in my life and lots of sacrifices that have gotten me where I am. Yet even now I feel like I am making excuses to myself. I feel like I'm not worth loving and that is why I'm single.

I also no that's not true, yet that little voice inside of me is screaming the opposite. Why is it so hard to hear the negative and so much work to believe the positive?

Wounded! Yet finding my inner strength and learning to take care of me. When people are in our lives and there soul function is bringing us down or doing strictly for them it's time to let them go. It's time to tell that little angry, mean voice inside of me to go away!

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