Another weekend lost... why is it that I only find it on Sunday night when I need to be getting ready for bed so I can wake up fresh and ready for work?
I've always been one to leave things for the last minute. I do things on a whim barely taking the time to think them through and suffering the consequnces afterwards.
It's been this way for as long as I can remember. The truth is... I've always thought of it as being a negative trait... is it though?
I mean really I spend all this time beating myself up, hating myself for not being miss. perfect and defeating myself before I even get a chance.
We truly are our own worst enemy. At least I know I am.
I always think I need a change... that if i get that change I'll be the person I want to be. Like the person you are on vacation. Waking up early, getting out, enjoying the day, doing things, enjoying life and not letting the dulldrums get us down. Being the adventurer of our own destiny's and not let time pass us by.
So what to do? Continue a life of self beratement and hatred? I think not.. otherwise it will be time to swallow the pills. Life is not worth living if you waste it.
The thing is... I need to get my ass going! I need something... motivation.. something to get me going...
The JUST DO IT... is good.. but I need something to remind me every second.. every minute of the day. My life is worth living, I need to JUST DO IT... No matter what it is.
I need to stop living while on pause waiting for something to happen.
I need to stop beating up on myself.
I need to be positive.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Thoughts from bed...
What does it mean to be in love? Is it the constant mind wandering or the hair twirling daydreams of the one you obsess about? Is it necessary for those feelings to be returned with spoken word or is it ok to have an lustful moments guide you along?
I feel like i'm in love. No grand gesture or promise was made, just the desire lying inside of me to be with that person every moment awake or not.
Desire oh so much desire. Desire to touch to smell to breath in the same air as one another. Desire to feel kisses, caresses and bodies entwined with one another possibly constantly.
I want to write poems about him and stories of erotic desires yet my mind can't seem to focus yet. I'm running on pockets of time, skipping like a stone from place to place, idea over another idea.
Awake when I should be asleep.
Wanting and wanting for even just a hint of him. That hint being a security blanket of assurance.
Yet is there assurance in love?
Is love always meant to be a mystery?
Are we always supposed to be wanting more and more?
What about trust? When does it become a given rather than a constant tickle in our mind?
Why is it with just a word i.m transformed? How is it he makes me feel more beautiful and sexier than ever before?
If I could reach out now... I would grab him and steal him under the covers and keep him here forever and ever. Together wrapped up in love.
dreamery... or reality? or both??
I feel like i'm in love. No grand gesture or promise was made, just the desire lying inside of me to be with that person every moment awake or not.
Desire oh so much desire. Desire to touch to smell to breath in the same air as one another. Desire to feel kisses, caresses and bodies entwined with one another possibly constantly.
I want to write poems about him and stories of erotic desires yet my mind can't seem to focus yet. I'm running on pockets of time, skipping like a stone from place to place, idea over another idea.
Awake when I should be asleep.
Wanting and wanting for even just a hint of him. That hint being a security blanket of assurance.
Yet is there assurance in love?
Is love always meant to be a mystery?
Are we always supposed to be wanting more and more?
What about trust? When does it become a given rather than a constant tickle in our mind?
Why is it with just a word i.m transformed? How is it he makes me feel more beautiful and sexier than ever before?
If I could reach out now... I would grab him and steal him under the covers and keep him here forever and ever. Together wrapped up in love.
dreamery... or reality? or both??
Monday, October 5, 2009
Something We All Need Noa and Then
There comes a time in everyone's life where we need a little "ME" time. That selfish sliver, or day, of time where we need it to be all about "ME". I am in major need of one of those days.I am fairly certain that I have never had a day just for me in my entire life. Sure, I have done things I wanted to do. I have seen things I wanted to see.
But, I am not talking about that kind of day. I am talking about a "ME" day where I do what I wish, as I wish and when I wish because it is what I want and it is pleasing to me.
I am talking about a day...of pampering
....where for once I don't have to worry about what's for breakfast, lunch or dinner because someone has taken care of it for me
....where I don't have to think about what has to be done, it just gets done
....where I don't have to clean because the house is already cleaned, just like magic!
...where I am given a massage.
I have never had a professional massage and I think it might be time for me to get one.What I want, what everyone needs now and then, is a day where someone not only asks me, "What do you want?" But, they do so because they truly want to know. That's something that seems to rarely happen.
I am talking about a day.
..where I am listened too.
...where you {whomever you are} really wants to know about me.
...where you want to know how things are with me and for me.
Not for your own selfish reasons.
...where someone else makes the morning coffee and delivers it to me while I am in bed just waking up.
...where someone {whomever that person may be) says hello because they like you or love you. Not because there is an ulterior motive. I am really so sick of all the ulterior motives there are in the world.
...where someone calls just to hear your voice.
...of manicures and pedicures and seaweed wraps.
...where all the boob tubes in the world cease to exist....where everyone sings your praises.
I want a "Channel 13" day. When I was younger that's what Mom and I would call days spent at the museum or listening to opera or any classical music for that matter. It would be a day spent at Wave Hill. I think you are getting the picture. It would be a day of enlightenment and pleasure. Maybe some chocolate too.I am talking about a day.
..where you're paid compliments that aren't sarcastic snickers....where you're given a gift "just because"..
..where YOU are special.
...where the weather is perfect.
...where answers to your questions are provided.
...a day where you are not gossiped about.
...where you don't have to do anything and everything for yourself because there is someone there to take care of you.
OK, I know, I am stretching things a bit far here. But run with me, will you. At times we all need a day when our heart feels only love and joy. We are wrapped up in euphoria like a cashmere blanket on a chilly night.As I am writing this just now, I am thinking this might be "me" missing my Mom and Dad. Yet not quite. I do miss them, of course. I do know that. My Mom had an uncanny way of just knowing what I needed. She knew in an instant what mood I was in at the moment I walked through the door or answered the phone. She listened with her heart and provided real, tangible love.I need people in my life that aren't selfish. Better yet, people who aren't blood suckers, sucking the life force right out of you. I need a real friend. A real member of the family.Do you ever wonder why there is so much hypocrisy in the world? I wonder all the time.It's funny how people listen half heartedly to conversations all day long. Could it be that you might actually be missing something? Don't you think you should respect that person and just listen. Maybe there in need of something; a need for a friend; a need for love.Sure, I know, you can't go around listening to everyone. There are quite a few "crazies" out there. But we all need human decency, respect and love.I need a "ME" day. What might you need?
Really, what do you need? I am listening. Really listening. As you read this page, think about what you need. Tell me.
But, I am not talking about that kind of day. I am talking about a "ME" day where I do what I wish, as I wish and when I wish because it is what I want and it is pleasing to me.
I am talking about a day...of pampering
....where for once I don't have to worry about what's for breakfast, lunch or dinner because someone has taken care of it for me
....where I don't have to think about what has to be done, it just gets done
....where I don't have to clean because the house is already cleaned, just like magic!
...where I am given a massage.
I have never had a professional massage and I think it might be time for me to get one.What I want, what everyone needs now and then, is a day where someone not only asks me, "What do you want?" But, they do so because they truly want to know. That's something that seems to rarely happen.
I am talking about a day.
..where I am listened too.
...where you {whomever you are} really wants to know about me.
...where you want to know how things are with me and for me.
Not for your own selfish reasons.
...where someone else makes the morning coffee and delivers it to me while I am in bed just waking up.
...where someone {whomever that person may be) says hello because they like you or love you. Not because there is an ulterior motive. I am really so sick of all the ulterior motives there are in the world.
...where someone calls just to hear your voice.
...of manicures and pedicures and seaweed wraps.
...where all the boob tubes in the world cease to exist....where everyone sings your praises.
I want a "Channel 13" day. When I was younger that's what Mom and I would call days spent at the museum or listening to opera or any classical music for that matter. It would be a day spent at Wave Hill. I think you are getting the picture. It would be a day of enlightenment and pleasure. Maybe some chocolate too.I am talking about a day.
..where you're paid compliments that aren't sarcastic snickers....where you're given a gift "just because"..
..where YOU are special.
...where the weather is perfect.
...where answers to your questions are provided.
...a day where you are not gossiped about.
...where you don't have to do anything and everything for yourself because there is someone there to take care of you.
OK, I know, I am stretching things a bit far here. But run with me, will you. At times we all need a day when our heart feels only love and joy. We are wrapped up in euphoria like a cashmere blanket on a chilly night.As I am writing this just now, I am thinking this might be "me" missing my Mom and Dad. Yet not quite. I do miss them, of course. I do know that. My Mom had an uncanny way of just knowing what I needed. She knew in an instant what mood I was in at the moment I walked through the door or answered the phone. She listened with her heart and provided real, tangible love.I need people in my life that aren't selfish. Better yet, people who aren't blood suckers, sucking the life force right out of you. I need a real friend. A real member of the family.Do you ever wonder why there is so much hypocrisy in the world? I wonder all the time.It's funny how people listen half heartedly to conversations all day long. Could it be that you might actually be missing something? Don't you think you should respect that person and just listen. Maybe there in need of something; a need for a friend; a need for love.Sure, I know, you can't go around listening to everyone. There are quite a few "crazies" out there. But we all need human decency, respect and love.I need a "ME" day. What might you need?
Really, what do you need? I am listening. Really listening. As you read this page, think about what you need. Tell me.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Love
What is it about love that one minute you're up in the sky like a space ship and the next you're crashing to the ground like a meteor.
Talk about riding a roller coaster or hanging ten on the gnarliest of waves.
I'm trying to fall in love here. I'm trying to be swept away but there really isn't a magical formula is there?
It's not about being the beauty queen or the playboy playmate they get there hearts broken too. It all about playing the game. The game which we all say we hate. The game that forces you to have nerves of steel and above all.. never letting them see you. Sure we can allow them glimpses from time to time, we have too.
However it's the chase. The undeniable tease. A slow tango which you can reckon to a torturous death at times and scoring the idea weight on our bathroom scales. That magical number that can make us giddy as a school girl or bathed in the euphoria of the ultimate orgasm.
How does one play? Please someone anyone hand me the instructional booklet!
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I take chances when I feel it's worth it and I fall in love with just a twinkle of an eye. Ok not just a twinkle, some hot muscular strong arms, a smile that makes you want to drop your panties and a brain that's as quick as formula one race car if not faster.
Men.. there are different species. The men I fall for anyway. The the typical bad boy, there the confidant and strong, the pure sex and there as emotional as a lima bean! There the one's who love sports and live for a game. They play poker and smoke cigars. There tall and the command attention. There mysterious and they have cruel intentions when it comes to love.
What's a girl to do?
I know I know.. go for the nice guy! Ha! I've tried and it's just not the same. There isn't the wanderlust there's no sparkle there's no passion. It's as regular as a toll clerk handing out change for a twenty. Basically it's not for me!
So do I suffer along? Do I live the life of a nun forever?
No! I refuse to give up!
Walk with me....
I met this man. Oh his eyes alone girls.. can drop a woman's panties in a heart beat. He knows what he's doing too from what I can tell. He even can dance. He's sure of himself, he's affectionate but he doesn't know how to call back. He has no follow through but boy oh boy does he expect me to call him and keep calling! I'm not that girl. I don't call men. I sit back and wait for the men to call me than I get bored and move on to the next. This one.. he never calls. He tells me to call. Than he'll make a promise to call me back and he doesn't and when I call him on it.. he asks if this is the 5th grade? Why oh why do I fall for men like this?
Did I mention he's tall? Lone legs and strong arms. He even has a favorite book.. yes he reads! He loves documentaries and sports! He quotes from autobiographies and he loves klondike bars! He loves to cuddle and ... he's never been married and he doesn't have kids. So apparently I'm not the only woman who's had trouble catching this fish but I will be the one!
Talk about riding a roller coaster or hanging ten on the gnarliest of waves.
I'm trying to fall in love here. I'm trying to be swept away but there really isn't a magical formula is there?
It's not about being the beauty queen or the playboy playmate they get there hearts broken too. It all about playing the game. The game which we all say we hate. The game that forces you to have nerves of steel and above all.. never letting them see you. Sure we can allow them glimpses from time to time, we have too.
However it's the chase. The undeniable tease. A slow tango which you can reckon to a torturous death at times and scoring the idea weight on our bathroom scales. That magical number that can make us giddy as a school girl or bathed in the euphoria of the ultimate orgasm.
How does one play? Please someone anyone hand me the instructional booklet!
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I take chances when I feel it's worth it and I fall in love with just a twinkle of an eye. Ok not just a twinkle, some hot muscular strong arms, a smile that makes you want to drop your panties and a brain that's as quick as formula one race car if not faster.
Men.. there are different species. The men I fall for anyway. The the typical bad boy, there the confidant and strong, the pure sex and there as emotional as a lima bean! There the one's who love sports and live for a game. They play poker and smoke cigars. There tall and the command attention. There mysterious and they have cruel intentions when it comes to love.
What's a girl to do?
I know I know.. go for the nice guy! Ha! I've tried and it's just not the same. There isn't the wanderlust there's no sparkle there's no passion. It's as regular as a toll clerk handing out change for a twenty. Basically it's not for me!
So do I suffer along? Do I live the life of a nun forever?
No! I refuse to give up!
Walk with me....
I met this man. Oh his eyes alone girls.. can drop a woman's panties in a heart beat. He knows what he's doing too from what I can tell. He even can dance. He's sure of himself, he's affectionate but he doesn't know how to call back. He has no follow through but boy oh boy does he expect me to call him and keep calling! I'm not that girl. I don't call men. I sit back and wait for the men to call me than I get bored and move on to the next. This one.. he never calls. He tells me to call. Than he'll make a promise to call me back and he doesn't and when I call him on it.. he asks if this is the 5th grade? Why oh why do I fall for men like this?
Did I mention he's tall? Lone legs and strong arms. He even has a favorite book.. yes he reads! He loves documentaries and sports! He quotes from autobiographies and he loves klondike bars! He loves to cuddle and ... he's never been married and he doesn't have kids. So apparently I'm not the only woman who's had trouble catching this fish but I will be the one!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Butterflies...
I love butterflies. I always have. Butterflies signify so much for me. Rebirth being one of them. There is something knowing you're in a cocoon and than you can shed that cocoon and manifest into something so beautiful so amazing. Rejuvenation. Amazing possibilities. A spiritual manifestation into something magical. A miracle re birthing from a caterpillar, falling asleep in a cocoon becoming a butterfly. I am still seeing dr's about my cyst. I have complete faith that everything will be okay and that I will come out of all this better than before. I think that all I've gone through is always with a meaning. That cyst reminds me of my desire to have a baby. To actually put myself out there and work on it and make it happen. Not just something I hold onto like a cross in my pocket.
Just a quick note here to remind myself to keep positive and stay in faith. Everything will work out.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Angry and trying to find my faith.
I am so upset. I feel like I can't get a break in life no matter how much I know I need one. Over the weekend... I have had some weird abdominal pain, cramps. On Sunday the cramps were bad enough to make me nauseous and vomit. I thought it was something I ate. I went to work on Monday and experienced more or less the same weird abdominal cramping and nausea. So I left work early and tried to make it home on my own. One stop on the bus and I was rushing off sick to my stomach again. My brother came to pick me up and off to the hospital I went yet again!
While at the hospital the pain subsided with shots of morphine and some other heavy duty drug I can't recall the name of. Than off to the ultrasound department to find out where the pain was coming from. I get there and it's a male nurse, who even though he was the sweetest, was still a man checking out my nether regions. I am really shy when it comes to strangers nurse or not checking out my neither regions. So he gave me the ultrasound they sent me back to the ER and more blood was drawn, did I mention how much I love *(absolutely not)* needles! The cyst I knew I had, had grown from 3cm to 7 cm. Not good because anything over 5cm is strongly suggested to be removed.
I only have one ovary because the other was removed due to a similar situation with the cyst. So my dreams of having children were split to a 50% chance and now... they might be taken away from me all together. I have to have another test done and try some birth control pills to see if we can shrink the cyst so I need all the prayers I can get.
I also need to keep myself in good spirits because being stressed and negative is not what I need right now because I don't need anything that could burst the cyst. No strenuous exercise or lifting and definitely no stress. As for the pain, I have to monitor it and I've been reading on my ways to control it... like hot water bottles and chamomile teas but I'm still looking for anything that can help including diet modification and or homeopathic medicine.
I am angry. Frustrated really because I never seem to get ahead. It always feels like one thing after the other. If I'm not having a panic attack it's an asthma attack and now it's this. Plus all of life's other headaches like bills, money issues or lack there of and did I mention my non existent love life?
I've been trying to stay positive and focus on all that I am grateful for and I am very grateful. I know this could be worse... It could be the big "C". I am more than grateful that it's not. I just need to find faith and keep positive. I know this will be ok. I know I will be ok more than ok. I have to keep positive. I must.
While at the hospital the pain subsided with shots of morphine and some other heavy duty drug I can't recall the name of. Than off to the ultrasound department to find out where the pain was coming from. I get there and it's a male nurse, who even though he was the sweetest, was still a man checking out my nether regions. I am really shy when it comes to strangers nurse or not checking out my neither regions. So he gave me the ultrasound they sent me back to the ER and more blood was drawn, did I mention how much I love *(absolutely not)* needles! The cyst I knew I had, had grown from 3cm to 7 cm. Not good because anything over 5cm is strongly suggested to be removed.
I only have one ovary because the other was removed due to a similar situation with the cyst. So my dreams of having children were split to a 50% chance and now... they might be taken away from me all together. I have to have another test done and try some birth control pills to see if we can shrink the cyst so I need all the prayers I can get.
I also need to keep myself in good spirits because being stressed and negative is not what I need right now because I don't need anything that could burst the cyst. No strenuous exercise or lifting and definitely no stress. As for the pain, I have to monitor it and I've been reading on my ways to control it... like hot water bottles and chamomile teas but I'm still looking for anything that can help including diet modification and or homeopathic medicine.
I am angry. Frustrated really because I never seem to get ahead. It always feels like one thing after the other. If I'm not having a panic attack it's an asthma attack and now it's this. Plus all of life's other headaches like bills, money issues or lack there of and did I mention my non existent love life?
I've been trying to stay positive and focus on all that I am grateful for and I am very grateful. I know this could be worse... It could be the big "C". I am more than grateful that it's not. I just need to find faith and keep positive. I know this will be ok. I know I will be ok more than ok. I have to keep positive. I must.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
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