Sunday, December 20, 2009

It's been awhile...

With the Christmas season upon me, I sit and reflect.
Reflect about all the good and bad days and there has been a lot of both.
I am blessed.
I am a blessing. I am ready to be a blessing to others.
This year has been difficult, I've sat back and watched my love of life dwindle to just about nothing and I am albeit slowly very slowly starting to grow it back. Like a delicate orchid I am pruning the leaves, I am learning, I am asking for help, I am receiving it, I am making peace with myself.
I have hit rock bottom.
I surviving.
Last year at this time, I was locked in my room pleading with God to take my life because I just didn't want to be here anymore and thought that those around me would be better off. The panic attacks and anxiety stripping me naked and painfully scaring every inch of me. My laughter was gone, my joy was non existent and yet I still went to work, I got up every morning a shell of my former self and trudged forward, step by step. All the while thinking I can't do this anymore. All the while doing it just the same.
Now I sit here, after two years of what was the worse bought of depression, days filled with suicidal tendencies with my house cluttered with filth now finally clean, my tree is up the lights are lit, I am off anti depressant medication and I am far far away from that dark place I was living in.
I still have moments, there passing transgressions now.
I am building myself back one small step at a time.
Life is not easy.
It's one small step at a time. I am learning a work in progress.
I am ready . I am promising myself to go easy to be present and to make amends to all including myself.
This Holiday Season... may we all take time to reflect. Love one another and yourself. Thank You God for listening to me and holding my hand through it all.
Thank you for my brother, my rock.
Thank you for the inspiration of others.
Thank you for never leaving me.

3 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I'm so glad you are blogging again, M. I think you have achieved wonders to have pulled yourself out of that dark tunnel you were in. Lots of love and BUON NATALE from Simi and me in Sicily. xx woof!

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Lucia said...

Stay positive! One day at a time.
xx Lucy