Sunday, June 7, 2009

What are you eating or what's eating you?

I'm a bit peeved. Why you ask? *(lol ~ or not)* Well I have someone in my life that has a way of sucking any and all life energy out of me. I am sure we all do but what do you do when you can't tell them to take a hike?

Let me explain. My family has dwindled down to barely nothing over the years. The life sucker well I do love her and I do want her in my life but she makes it very hard. I am trying to live in the moment. I am trying to find all things positive in life and really work at being happy. I have had more than my fair share of tears. Enough already!

I need positivity in my life. Struggling through bouts of suicidal thoughts, severe depression *(i just want to stay in my bed with the covers pulled up sadness and never leave)*, panic attacks, the loss of both my parents and cutting I really am ready to finally be happy.

No this person wasn't there for me when I needed her in the sense to listen and offer a shoulder. She wasn't there when I cut myself and called the suicide hot line in the middle of the night hoping to just have someone not only listen but understand and she isn't the one who calls me and asks me if I'm ok on the anniversary days or anything to have to do with my parents.

She's there for me when she wants to go out and needs a partner in crime. She is there for me when her daughters need me. She is there for me when she needs me to do something for her. She is there for me when she feels it necessary to tell me that I am no longer fun because of all the meds I was on and that I stopped smoking and didn't care to drink and because the ordinary would set me off into a panic attack and when the meds and meditation and trips to the emergency room didn't stop them the cutting did.

Why is she in my life? I don't have many female friends less family members. I can count on one hand minus three fingers. Sometimes you need a girlfriend. A friend. Someone just to listen. Sure you want someone compassionate and understanding and positive but sometimes you have to take what you can get too. Don't you?

Anyway my personal favorite as of late, she feels that because *(she's a single mom, @ 42 impregnated by a stranger more or less after raising a 20 year old with the help of the village myself included)* her Mom has left to go back home, I am the go to girl for the twins. Don't get me wrong, I love the twins. I am not there Mother and I don't want to be. I don't want to spend all my time off and my hours after work taking care of them so she can get a break. She didn't ask me, she told me. She doesn't even appreciate it. Unless you're giving money to help it doesn't count and even than, you're only as good as your last gift. Did I mention she choose her childhood friend who lives overseas and is not in the girls lives to be the Godparent? Ok..

I feel good getting this out of me. I don't know what I am going to do because our entire relationship is based on me being passive aggressive because really, what do I say? Asking her if she is F~ing out of her mind just doesn't seem to be the right thing to do. Or is it? I just don't know what to say or do?

Things I am happy about today: :)

  • my house being absolutely clean

  • not having to cook *yeah take out*

  • my friend surprising me with a visit this morning

  • my headache finally going away

  • the sun actually shining after a week of rain

  • my other friend giving me my favorite perfume *Hermes le jardin de Mediterranean* because I said it's my favorite

  • going out Friday night and actually having fun even though I felt a wee bit nervous because the people who invited me I don't know all that well and my friend coming with me so I wasn't alone

  • making my co-workers happy on Friday with a box of munchkins...just because

  • my brother cleaning the bathroom *(ick!)*

  • and the possibility of a possibility!


Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, M, you are right - you have had more than your fair share of tears. You have to break with this person now. I know it isn't easy but you have to, or you will have none of your energy left for you. You can make excuses not to see her at first but as she doesn't seem to be the sort of person who would take a hint, sooner or later you may have to be brutally frank. You may as well do it sooner. I see you on fecebook becoming stronger every day and I see you being positive here - don't let her spoil it for you.

Girl on the Run... said...

Thanks so much for your encouragement! I know you are right, my brother tells me all the time to do the same thing. I just need to do it! I need to stop being afraid! Thanks for the encouragement!