Doing something brave one step at a time... or am I

When I saw the entry in regards to doing something brave everyday, I thought that it would be something wonderful. Something I could definitely sink my teeth into because my life has been filled with fear. I never realized it would trigger off an avalanche of feelings. It may even be the trigger for the anxiety I've been feeling. I can't prove it but it's something for me to really think about.

This week has been interesting. I've dropped from 20mg of lexapro down to 10mg. *(lexapro: is not only an anti-depressant but a drug used for the treatment of various anxiety disorders.)* agreed to go on the anti depressant in January following a really bad case of the "mean reds" and a storm of panic attacks hitting me 3 and 4 times a day. For any of you who've ever had a panic attack I empathize with you and want you to know there is help out there.

In addition to the Lexapro, I found a series of meditation tapes from Charles Linden. The series of meditations and spoken word cd's have been a Godsend for me. Charles Linden offers you a way out and makes you accountable for what is going on with you. I appreciate that approach because I don't believe in using crutches.

I can tell you it hasn't been all easy. It's a lot of work. Just allowing myself to do something that's good for me feels like a trip to the executioner. Subconsciously of course! I do believe I deserve to be healthy and happy. I do know that it's what God wants for me and I want for myself. Yet, yesterday when that attack hit me, after an entire day of fending it off as best I can, it knocked me to my knees. Thinking about that now, it's better than being knocked to the floor which is what it had done to me in the past.

I didn't isolate myself and I did seek help other than my brother who's patience I've worn thin but yet who's always there for me no matter what.

I would like to tell you I am anxiety free today but I am not.

Inside I keep reminding myself that:

• I am healthy.
• I am safe.
• I am loved.
• I am loving.
• I deserve to be happy.
• This too shall pass.
• I am letting go of the anxiety and breathing in peace and tranquility while breathing out anxiety and negative thinking.

That last note is a dozie. So easy to write and say but so difficult to truly process and put into effect. I am working on it.

• I am letting go of the anxiety and breathing in peace and tranquility while breathing out anxiety and negative thinking.
• I am letting go of the anxiety and breathing in peace and tranquility while breathing out anxiety and negative thinking.
• I am letting go of the anxiety and breathing in peace and tranquility while breathing out anxiety and negative thinking.

I have to keep repeating it to myself. I have to remind myself to reach for the phone, watch something that will make me laugh or completely engross myself in an activity that will allow my mind to drift away from the "not good thoughts".

I went to to see the movie ****Hangover ****this afternoon and was Pee Your Pants funny and recommend it to everyone. Having travelled to Las Vegas and fallen in love with Sin City this movie is a must see. Plus laughter is great for the soul! I can't wait for the DVD!