New Blog.... Starting over please join me....

NEW BLOG>>>>>>>>>

http://mygratitudecafe.blogspot.com/2010/01/where-am-i-and-what-in-world-am-i-doing.html




not sure what's happening here... but it's not co- operating... so new it shall be!!!

Where am i? and What in the World am I doing?

After spending my morning with Pastor Joel Osteen and the entire Lakewood family, I always feel charged and ready to go. Pastor Joel is amazing, he just speaks blessings over you and recommends we all live life, ready to not only be a blessing to everyone but to be open to receive God's blessings.

I urge everyone to take a look and listen over at,

http://www.joelosteen.com/Pages/Index.aspx

Just purchased my tickets, for March to see Pastor Joel and the entire Lakewood team, I am so excited I could burst!

I've been writing off and on for quite some time now. I keep a paper journal as well and little pieces of paper mostly almost everywhere of my thoughts, ideas, symptoms, you name it. Especially in my pocketbook! *(and i wonder why it weighs so much)*

This year, 2010 I plan on making my best year yet!

I'm leaving my past behind and moving on and looking forward to the future.

I've filled in my calendar with plenty of me time, concerts to Celtic Women and David Gray to start. I urge you to give a listen to them both as well. Totally different genres but both melodic and awe inspiring.

I have also bought some wonderful projects to play with and learn how to at Michael's Arts and Craft store. I've been wanting to learn how to knit forever and hopefully, thanks to some instructional videos, I'll be well on my way.

I am also in the process of making an "Inspiration Board". A "Inspiration board" you ask, What is that?...

Well it's where I'll:

draw,design, hot glue gun *(so excited got my first one yesterday... it's a mini and it's purple, what more could a girl want?)* , create, play mostly in pictures and in words, all the things and places I want to see myself. So of course there will be a home, a family, words and scriptures from the Bible, beautiful flowers and greenery, a healthy life style, exercise tips and how to's and plenty of inspiration to keep me going! Did I mention, I bought some ribbon and my first ever hot glue gun?

I'll be posting pictures along the way of both my knitting projects, and my inspiration board.

If you have time... drop me a note on what you're hobbies are, what you do for inspiration and how do you stay creative.

It's been awhile...

With the Christmas season upon me, I sit and reflect.

Reflect about all the good and bad days and there has been a lot of both.

I am blessed.

I am a blessing. I am ready to be a blessing to others.

This year has been difficult, I've sat back and watched my love of life dwindle to just about nothing and I am albeit slowly very slowly starting to grow it back. Like a delicate orchid I am pruning the leaves, I am learning, I am asking for help, I am receiving it, I am making peace with myself.

I have hit rock bottom.

I surviving.

Last year at this time, I was locked in my room pleading with God to take my life because I just didn't want to be here anymore and thought that those around me would be better off. The panic attacks and anxiety stripping me naked and painfully scaring every inch of me. My laughter was gone, my joy was non existent and yet I still went to work, I got up every morning a shell of my former self and trudged forward, step by step. All the while thinking I can't do this anymore. All the while doing it just the same.

Now I sit here, after two years of what was the worse bought of depression, days filled with suicidal tendencies with my house cluttered with filth now finally clean, my tree is up the lights are lit, I am off anti depressant medication and I am far far away from that dark place I was living in.

I still have moments, there passing transgressions now.

I am building myself back one small step at a time.

Life is not easy.

It's one small step at a time. I am learning a work in progress.

I am ready . I am promising myself to go easy to be present and to make amends to all including myself.

This Holiday Season... may we all take time to reflect. Love one another and yourself. Thank You God for listening to me and holding my hand through it all.

Thank you for my brother, my rock.

Thank you for the inspiration of others.

Thank you for never leaving me.

Lost and Found

Another weekend lost... why is it that I only find it on Sunday night when I need to be getting ready for bed so I can wake up fresh and ready for work?

I've always been one to leave things for the last minute. I do things on a whim barely taking the time to think them through and suffering the consequnces afterwards.

It's been this way for as long as I can remember. The truth is... I've always thought of it as being a negative trait... is it though?

I mean really I spend all this time beating myself up, hating myself for not being miss. perfect and defeating myself before I even get a chance.

We truly are our own worst enemy. At least I know I am.

I always think I need a change... that if i get that change I'll be the person I want to be. Like the person you are on vacation. Waking up early, getting out, enjoying the day, doing things, enjoying life and not letting the dulldrums get us down. Being the adventurer of our own destiny's and not let time pass us by.

So what to do? Continue a life of self beratement and hatred? I think not.. otherwise it will be time to swallow the pills. Life is not worth living if you waste it.

The thing is... I need to get my ass going! I need something... motivation.. something to get me going...

The JUST DO IT... is good.. but I need something to remind me every second.. every minute of the day. My life is worth living, I need to JUST DO IT... No matter what it is.

I need to stop living while on pause waiting for something to happen.

I need to stop beating up on myself.

I need to be positive.

Thoughts from bed...

What does it mean to be in love? Is it the constant mind wandering or the hair twirling daydreams of the one you obsess about? Is it necessary for those feelings to be returned with spoken word or is it ok to have an lustful moments guide you along?

I feel like i'm in love. No grand gesture or promise was made, just the desire lying inside of me to be with that person every moment awake or not.

Desire oh so much desire. Desire to touch to smell to breath in the same air as one another. Desire to feel kisses, caresses and bodies entwined with one another possibly constantly.

I want to write poems about him and stories of erotic desires yet my mind can't seem to focus yet. I'm running on pockets of time, skipping like a stone from place to place, idea over another idea.

Awake when I should be asleep.

Wanting and wanting for even just a hint of him. That hint being a security blanket of assurance.

Yet is there assurance in love?

Is love always meant to be a mystery?

Are we always supposed to be wanting more and more?

What about trust? When does it become a given rather than a constant tickle in our mind?

Why is it with just a word i.m transformed? How is it he makes me feel more beautiful and sexier than ever before?

If I could reach out now... I would grab him and steal him under the covers and keep him here forever and ever. Together wrapped up in love.

dreamery... or reality? or both??

Something We All Need Noa and Then

There comes a time in everyone's life where we need a little "ME" time. That selfish sliver, or day, of time where we need it to be all about "ME". I am in major need of one of those days.I am fairly certain that I have never had a day just for me in my entire life. Sure, I have done things I wanted to do. I have seen things I wanted to see.

But, I am not talking about that kind of day. I am talking about a "ME" day where I do what I wish, as I wish and when I wish because it is what I want and it is pleasing to me.
I am talking about a day...of pampering
....where for once I don't have to worry about what's for breakfast, lunch or dinner because someone has taken care of it for me
....where I don't have to think about what has to be done, it just gets done
....where I don't have to clean because the house is already cleaned, just like magic!
...where I am given a massage.

I have never had a professional massage and I think it might be time for me to get one.What I want, what everyone needs now and then, is a day where someone not only asks me, "What do you want?" But, they do so because they truly want to know. That's something that seems to rarely happen.

I am talking about a day.
..where I am listened too.
...where you {whomever you are} really wants to know about me.
...where you want to know how things are with me and for me.
Not for your own selfish reasons.
...where someone else makes the morning coffee and delivers it to me while I am in bed just waking up.
...where someone {whomever that person may be) says hello because they like you or love you. Not because there is an ulterior motive. I am really so sick of all the ulterior motives there are in the world.
...where someone calls just to hear your voice.
...of manicures and pedicures and seaweed wraps.
...where all the boob tubes in the world cease to exist....where everyone sings your praises.

I want a "Channel 13" day. When I was younger that's what Mom and I would call days spent at the museum or listening to opera or any classical music for that matter. It would be a day spent at Wave Hill. I think you are getting the picture. It would be a day of enlightenment and pleasure. Maybe some chocolate too.I am talking about a day.
..where you're paid compliments that aren't sarcastic snickers....where you're given a gift "just because"..
..where YOU are special.
...where the weather is perfect.
...where answers to your questions are provided.
...a day where you are not gossiped about.
...where you don't have to do anything and everything for yourself because there is someone there to take care of you.

OK, I know, I am stretching things a bit far here. But run with me, will you. At times we all need a day when our heart feels only love and joy. We are wrapped up in euphoria like a cashmere blanket on a chilly night.As I am writing this just now, I am thinking this might be "me" missing my Mom and Dad. Yet not quite. I do miss them, of course. I do know that. My Mom had an uncanny way of just knowing what I needed. She knew in an instant what mood I was in at the moment I walked through the door or answered the phone. She listened with her heart and provided real, tangible love.I need people in my life that aren't selfish. Better yet, people who aren't blood suckers, sucking the life force right out of you. I need a real friend. A real member of the family.Do you ever wonder why there is so much hypocrisy in the world? I wonder all the time.It's funny how people listen half heartedly to conversations all day long. Could it be that you might actually be missing something? Don't you think you should respect that person and just listen. Maybe there in need of something; a need for a friend; a need for love.Sure, I know, you can't go around listening to everyone. There are quite a few "crazies" out there. But we all need human decency, respect and love.I need a "ME" day. What might you need?


Really, what do you need? I am listening. Really listening. As you read this page, think about what you need. Tell me.

How to make roses from maple leaves

How to make roses from maple leaves

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Love

What is it about love that one minute you're up in the sky like a space ship and the next you're crashing to the ground like a meteor.

Talk about riding a roller coaster or hanging ten on the gnarliest of waves.

I'm trying to fall in love here. I'm trying to be swept away but there really isn't a magical formula is there?

It's not about being the beauty queen or the playboy playmate they get there hearts broken too. It all about playing the game. The game which we all say we hate. The game that forces you to have nerves of steel and above all.. never letting them see you. Sure we can allow them glimpses from time to time, we have too.

However it's the chase. The undeniable tease. A slow tango which you can reckon to a torturous death at times and scoring the idea weight on our bathroom scales. That magical number that can make us giddy as a school girl or bathed in the euphoria of the ultimate orgasm.

How does one play? Please someone anyone hand me the instructional booklet!

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I take chances when I feel it's worth it and I fall in love with just a twinkle of an eye. Ok not just a twinkle, some hot muscular strong arms, a smile that makes you want to drop your panties and a brain that's as quick as formula one race car if not faster.

Men.. there are different species. The men I fall for anyway. The the typical bad boy, there the confidant and strong, the pure sex and there as emotional as a lima bean! There the one's who love sports and live for a game. They play poker and smoke cigars. There tall and the command attention. There mysterious and they have cruel intentions when it comes to love.

What's a girl to do?

I know I know.. go for the nice guy! Ha! I've tried and it's just not the same. There isn't the wanderlust there's no sparkle there's no passion. It's as regular as a toll clerk handing out change for a twenty. Basically it's not for me!

So do I suffer along? Do I live the life of a nun forever?

No! I refuse to give up!

Walk with me....
I met this man. Oh his eyes alone girls.. can drop a woman's panties in a heart beat. He knows what he's doing too from what I can tell. He even can dance. He's sure of himself, he's affectionate but he doesn't know how to call back. He has no follow through but boy oh boy does he expect me to call him and keep calling! I'm not that girl. I don't call men. I sit back and wait for the men to call me than I get bored and move on to the next. This one.. he never calls. He tells me to call. Than he'll make a promise to call me back and he doesn't and when I call him on it.. he asks if this is the 5th grade? Why oh why do I fall for men like this?

Did I mention he's tall? Lone legs and strong arms. He even has a favorite book.. yes he reads! He loves documentaries and sports! He quotes from autobiographies and he loves klondike bars! He loves to cuddle and ... he's never been married and he doesn't have kids. So apparently I'm not the only woman who's had trouble catching this fish but I will be the one!

Butterflies...

I love butterflies. I always have. Butterflies signify so much for me. Rebirth being one of them. There is something knowing you're in a cocoon and than you can shed that cocoon and manifest into something so beautiful so amazing. Rejuvenation. Amazing possibilities. A spiritual manifestation into something magical. A miracle re birthing from a caterpillar, falling asleep in a cocoon becoming a butterfly.

I am still seeing dr's about my cyst. I have complete faith that everything will be okay and that I will come out of all this better than before. I think that all I've gone through is always with a meaning. That cyst reminds me of my desire to have a baby. To actually put myself out there and work on it and make it happen. Not just something I hold onto like a cross in my pocket.

Just a quick note here to remind myself to keep positive and stay in faith. Everything will work out.